Earlier this week Chris asked us a question, have you progressed? Hopefully you took some time to think objectively on the question. Have you written a good movement history, or does it need a greater effort of penmanship? Are you learning? Do you have a support system?
I thought about Chris’ questions a lot over the past few days–a lot of what ifs came to mind. Most notably, what if a dude doesn’t want to make progress? What’s his strategy?
It bothered me, you know? Chris and I know that our Beyond Strength Performance methods aren’t for everyone–we’re proud of that–but we like to help brothers out when we can.
So I thought about those indubitably destined to spin their wheels. I thought about how they can ensure that they never make a millimeter of progress. Here’s what I came up with.
1) Completely Disregard Movement Quality. Quality of movement is only important for rehabbing injuries and twelve year old Russian gymnasts. You know, people that want to get better. You don’t want that–it’s scary.
2) Spend Money on Supplements, Not Education. The easiest way to paint yourself into a strength and body composition corner is to rely completely on supplements. Suppz. Ignorance is bliss–if you don’t know anything you can hold yourself accountable for dilly dallying like a kid trying to avoid doing chores. Rather than hiring a coach with years of experience and top level education, take $500 bucks to GNC and bro out.
3) Be A Lone Ranger. Seeking help means that you have to admit that you don’t know everything. That admission is the first step in making progress. Avoid this like a Taiwanese lady-boy hooker.
4) Set Lackluster Goals That Don’t Require Committment. Failing sucks. If you set lofty, concrete goals you might not reach them–that’s fuckin’ embarrassing. Save yourself the heartache. Rather than thinking of something measurable like benching 315 or broad jumping over 9 feet, decide that you want to look better in a cut off shirt. With the right lighting, and after a biceps pump, you’ll definitely obtain your goal. You won’t have to wait for success either. You could reach this goal like four or five times per week.
5) Get Bored Because Shitty Goals Require Shitty Focus. Boredom is the antithesis of progress–this is where you’ll live. Set goals that are easily achieved and meaningless so you get bored every few weeks.
6) Use Program Hopping as a Gains False Positive. Once boredom sets in decide that you want to do the next super-program from Flex Magazine. During the first week DOMS will call you on the phone every day and there’s a good chance you’ll get more veiny. At this point, you’re definitely kind of making progress. It’s a definite maybe. Do this for two weeks then find a new “program.”
7) Listen to Your Mom. You’re fine just the way you are, sweetie. Your heiney is special and different from everyone else’s. Find a nice girl at the Wal-Mart, marry her and watch re-runs of American Gladiators and pretend those men wouldn’t squash you like a bug.
If your mom says stuff like this, listen to her. She is your greatest ally in avoiding progress. (2988)