I’ve been holding out too long—it’s time to let you in on my secret. While what seem to be new fitness eating plans have popped up all over the world, I’ve been secretly toying with my own innovative nutrition strategy. It’s called Intermittent Eating.
Before you jump the gun and say its intermittent fasting wrapped in clever marketing speak, shut up, because it isn’t. The two are completely inversely related.
Intermittent fasters take long breaks from eating. I’ve heard tales of some folk not eating for one and a half to two days. To me, as an intermittent eater, this is blasphemous. Science has shown us that cavemen loved food. They ate it to stay alive. Since cavemen ate food to stay alive, that’s what intermittent eaters do. And, since we have a lot more food available to us it’s only right for us to eat a lot more and a lot more often.
That’s the gist of intermittent eating. Rather than taking long breaks from eating and then consuming all of our daily calories in a small window, we eat for long periods of time and take short, five minute breaks between 2 A.M. and 2:10 A.M. Eastern Standard Time. If you don’t take your eating break at exactly the right time, Saturn won’t be aligned in the proper place and the fast will be for naught.
This might seem like a lot to digest all at once, so I’ll outline my personal, intermittent eating nutritional variation schedule. We’ll just do the morning and some of my pre-bed meals. If I gave you everything right now your head would blow up. It’s kind of like what would happen if you saw Jesus riding Shamoo while fist fighting Christopher Walken (Christopher Walken would win). Behold below.
6 A.M.: A banana with ludicrous amounts of Trader Joe’s cookie butter slathered on it.
6:03 A.M.: Repeat 6 A.M. meal.
6:07 A.M.: Remember that it’s been almost 5 minutes since I last ate and I need calories so I jam a whole handful of fish oil caps in my mouth and wash it down with a quart of heavy whipping cream. I need healthy fats.
6:13 A.M.: Go paleo and eat a bag and a half of chocolate covered almonds.
6:15 A.M.: Mistake wood chips for beef jerky. Eat them anyway. Need the calories.
6:19 A.M.: Super shake time. Specialty protein blend: whey, casein, ground beef, ground buffalo, ground chicken livers, badger milk. Fat sources: all. Greens: no. Reds: no.
6:21 A.M.: Time for breakfast. 8 goose eggs and crème brule.
6:25 A.M.: 400 mg of caffeine. (Intermittent eaters count caffeine as a food group)
The day continues on this way; and I’m sure you’ve noticed that intermittent eating is a commitment to excellence only to be carried forth by a brash and brawny few.
We’ll skip right on to my late evening eating strategy. I’ll preface it by saying at each day’s onset I set a goal of dominating my autonomic nervous system. I want to let it know that I’m in control, so I mash caffeine and sugar in my mouth and send it down my esophagus. Caffeine is usually from coffee and my main sugar source is sour patch kids. I don’t like to get caught up with the numbers here—not everything in life is about limits. But to shorten the story, I try to pass out with the lights on without a slow progression into sleep. Any old Tom, Dick or Harry can shut down the engines progressively; it takes a son of a bitch to go from 100mph to 0 in no time. Let’s carry on to pre-bed intermittent eating.
8:00 P.M.: Delirious from caffeine and sugar, I eat a plastic bag.
8:04 P.M.: Decide to eat another plastic bag.
8:07 P.M.: Hard boil eggs and pass out on the kitchen floor with the burner on high.
8:07:30 P.M.: Success.
4:00 A.M.: Wake up on kitchen floor and check time. Realize that I missed my fasting window by two hours so I begin guilt eating. I start with cookie crumbs I found in my hair.
The science of intermittent eating is beyond the scope of this article; I only wanted to offer a brief overview of the principles. Here’s a recap:
Eat at least every four minutes throughout the day.
Fast between 2:00 A.M. and 2:10 A.M. but you only get five of those minutes. Remember this is important because Saturn is aligned with the north shore of Lake Huron.
Burn the candle at both ends and pass out wherever you can. Be not concerned with restful sleep, only with winning the war on your autonomic nervous system.
Hopefully I’ve convinced you that intermittent eating is the nutrition strategy of the future. If I haven’t, keep your pants on. In part two, I’ll outline the science behind intermittent eating and show you why pigeons are the ideal metabolic human replica. Until then…